mileage so far this year

snake

A water moccasin that apparently had just eaten when I happened upon it. Wish I'd had a better camera instead of just my phone.

solo backpack overnight

I escaped to the woods yesterday for a solo overnight camping trip. Three months of working every single Saturday had taken its toll. I wanted to be away from humans for a while, out of sight, out of hearing, unedited. We edit ourselves when we're around others and it's a strain. I don't want to be polite. I don't want to be deferential. It's not that other people are particularly demanding in an overt way. It's the fact that I find human interaction to be stressful as hell, not just sometimes but all the time. I can play the game, even enjoy playing the game, but it does wear on me. I've been dreaming about sleeping out under the stars for some time. Last night I did it.

Originally, the plan was to park at Dad and Mom's house and walk back into the woods, but it was late in the day and there were turkey hunters in the woods, so I had Dad drop me at the gate to the Byce place. I hiked about half a mile into the woods and set up camp near a site I had found months ago. I had my old sleeping bag and a poncho for cover and hoped it wouldn't rain. It was getting late and beginning to darken, so my camp was hasty but comfortable. I simply spread out a ground mat, unrolled the sleeping bag on top of it and tied the poncho as a rough lean-to over the top. I could lie on my back and see the stars up through the trees, but if it rained, I'd be mostly covered.

I had two of my alcohol stoves with me and some fuel (barely enough as it turned out), so I laid out one of them ready for the morning, along with a cheap mess kit and my water bottle. The plan was to make the first cup of coffee without getting out of the sleeping bag in the morning. I had a small radio with me, but after listening for a bit, I turned it off and just watched night come on. I had intended to use the time to think about some things, process some thought about work, about money, about this, about that. Instead, I found myself almost totally unable to think. I just lay there and watched the dark happen and felt peaceful. Those issues that I thought I wanted to think about were so much less important than the immediate now that I couldn't even work up the energy to chase them around in my head. I just lay there and steeped in the now, like a rock in a teacup, absorbing the flavor around and about me.

It got cold in the night, down to about 43 by Dad's thermometer the next day, as I had known it would. I was comfortable enough, but have some ideas on more and better equipment. The sleeping bag I took has only 2.5 pounds of insulation. I've had it since high school, so it's more than 30 years old. I doubt that it retains enough loft to reach its rated temperature range, which even when new was probably overly optimistic. A decent mummy bag would be a good thing to buy soon, along with a better ground pad. I'm not so concerned about a tent. I'd rather see the stars at night.

My alcohol stove worked well, but I realized I'd brought barely enough fuel. I made a cup of coffee on the first burn, which was half my fuel allowance. I thought about things and set up my coffee cup and my oatmeal bowl for the second burn. I barely got the water boiling (it was more water this time) when the fuel ran out, but it was enough for a cup of coffee and a double bowl of oatmeal, so I was satisfied. Of course, those alcohol stoves are finicky about lighting, and if it hadn't lit either time, I didn't bring enough fuel to try again. In other words, I had no margin for error. Luckily, I have practiced a lot with these stoves at home and so it lit both times successfully, but next time I need to bring more fuel in a better container that's easier to pour from. I also need to think about a better mess kit or at least add a better pot to boil water. The one I've got fits the stove just fine, but is difficult to pour with. I might be able to bend a spout into the edge of the metal lip. The whole kit is cheapo aluminum, so I'll try modifying it before buying something else.

I took my time getting going this morning, just sipping coffee in the pre-dawn dark and waiting for enough light so I could see to pack up. I rolled everything tight and stuffed it all back into my backpack. Speaking of which, I need a bigger pack. This one is not made for real backpacking, but I pressed it into service anyway. A larger pack would let me tote more food for a longer stay, along with more fuel for the stove or a bigger stove. The best time was this morning, sitting half in and half out of my sleeping bag, sipping a cup of black coffee knowing that I was alone in the woods. I went camping more for the morning than for anything else and this morning was well worth it.

Around 7:15am, I was fully packed. I stopped and washed my mess kit in the stream on the way out. I hiked back out to the road and then hiked the slightly more than two miles back to Dad and Mom's house, arriving shortly before 8am. Mom made me eat some pancakes, unconvinced that I had managed to feed myself already. Dad then drove me home, ending the adventure, but starting the day off right. Waking alone in the woods, making my own coffee, followed by a chilly morning hike to warm up: my day could not have had a better start. I had a grin that lasted at least until lunch, and remnants of that feeling are with me still.

As a test of equipment and technique my camping trip was a success. I'm planning more. I want to backpack down in those woods some more, maybe stay overnight, camp and then walk down to the lake. I could fish for a while, then come back to camp, nap, read, whatever. Or maybe I can plan a hike through some of the nearby National forest lands, like the Oconee River Redlands area. It might be fun to be dropped off somewhere near Scull Shoals and walk down the river, ending at the campground on Highway 15. That would give me some accommodations like a bathroom and running water, allowing me to carry less water with me. Or maybe I'll just look at a map and do a walk in, camp and walk out the next day trip. Whatever, with proper gear and planning I think backpacking could be a great release valve. I want to get my experience up before bringing anybody with me so we don't end up wet, miserable, lost, hungry and angry at each other. So I'm thinking in terms of some solo jaunts interspersed with more family oriented car camping type trips too. I can use the car camping to test new equipment and the solo treks to test techniques and pare down to essentials. Plans, plans, plans....

March mileage

January mileage

Recently Brad Warner mentioned an interesting insight he had into religion and its appeal, especially Christian radio. Brad wrote in part:
"They talk about how to live a moral life, how to deal with marriage difficulties, how to just be excellent to each other and so on. Some of the advice is even kind of good...But then just when I think everything's okay, they start slipping in stuff that's either just plain mean or simply bat-shit crazy. And then ZING! they're right back into talking about how to be a good person. And I'm like, where did that come from?...There are probably people out there who sincerely want to learn how to be decent human beings. Knowing of no other source of information on that subject, they get plunged into the bat-shit crazy stuff and end up associating being bat-shit crazy with being a good person."

He's right. The moral advice is mostly good, but the extrapolation of that moral advice is sometimes wacky. However, while I agree with Brad's observation, my experience is similar but from the opposite side of the fence. That is, I see a lot of what I consider bat shit crazy stuff coming from Buddhists, mostly in the form of liberal politics. I try to walk the eight-fold path, and I work at my vows. I'm sure other people do too. But I don't understand how a certain reverence for the Buddha dharma leads you into some left liberal nearly Marxist view of politics. I don't get it. But frequently I'm confronted with a conversational detour that begins with one of the precepts and then veers into "so therefore, anybody that doesn't love Obama and his policies is an ingnorant redneck."

Huh? You know it's true. Most America Buddhists are so far to the left politically that they can't even see the mainstream. In part that's fine. I don't want to outlaw anybody's views. I don't even care very much about CHANGING anybody's views. What I don't understand is the linkage between your Buddhist practice and your leftist politics. I don't see it. Why is there this identity politics thing going on whereby if you practice Buddhism, you're automatically assumed to hold the same liberal views? And yet that assumption is clearly there, as seen over and over by comments made during dharma talks, by comments on Brad's blog, and by the bumper stickers on the vehicles of my fellow practitioners.

I like Buddhism, but I don't like most Buddhists. To me the practice is about seeing the truth in all its unflattering reality, the truth uncolored by opinion or dogma. To too many of my fellow zazen buddies on the cushions next to me, it's all about being nice. Fuck nice. Let's find out what reality is so we can deal with that.

intention

We talked yesterday, since it was the first day of the year, about intentions and vows and that sort of thing. Decent discussion with some good points, but something bothered me and today I know what it is. The fact is that most of the participants who spoke had an unspoken understanding that intention is something like will or willpower. That is, you make up your mind to do something, then you do it. That's intention. There was talk of whether intentions were good or bad and that sort of thing.

But all that stuff misses the point because I'm not certain that the cause and effect relationship is correct. I think sometimes the act comes before the intention, or at least before we know what the intention really is. In my experience I find that I often have to do the act first then only later discover what my intention was. That is, there is an unconscious component of intent that we did not cover at all.

I believe that Buddhists, through zazen, become aware that intent often is revealed AFTER action, not before. I know I am not aware of my intent when I act in many cases and only discover it after or during action. I have seen this most clearly in sparring matches where action MUST come before intent. We literally cannot think fast enough to move, yet we move and execute technique. I have likened it in the past to watching myself spar while I'm sparring. I have literally watched myself kick a man in the head while I had no conscious involvement in doing so. That event, and others like it, are what drew me to Zen Buddhism in the first place in a search to explain my own experiences.

We often have to watch action to discern intent, even in ourselves. It's obvious when watching others, say during a chess match. I can see my opponent's moves and often when I'm checkmated only then can I finally see what his intent was all along. What nobody said yesterday is that we often have the same experience watching ourselves. Only at the end do we discover what our intent was. We learn to watch well through zazen. I'm nearly convinced that what we're learning to do is pay attention to that portion of our thoughts that are unconscious or subconscious. The quiet and stillness of zazen lets us notice how our minds really work and how much of what we think is below a level that normally makes it to our attention.

So to sum up, if I can in this jangled morning state of mind: I do not believe that intent always and inevitably comes prior to action. I think sometimes action REVEALS intent, even to ourselves.